Our Self-Written Obituaries – Jessica Faleiro, Goa
The 196th death.
[Text and photos sent by Jessica Faleiro]
Although she managed to write prolifically during her life-time, it was the weight of the unwritten tomes inside her that finally dragged Jessica Faleiro’s body down to its watery death. She was 67.
Ms Faleiro was last seen walking into the Arabian Sea’s lit-up phosphorescence one full moon night on a Goan beach. The fishermen out on the sea that night told everyone that she had finally gone home. The life-guards called off the search because of their lack of understanding of irony. When her body washed up on the beach the next day, surrounded by empty Kingfisher bottles and plastic cups, everyone said that she looked like she was asleep after a hard night of partying. Nobody noticed that she weighed significantly less than when she went in.
At the same time as she was seen walking away from the edges of Benaulim beach, she was also spotted in Bali, Martha’s Vineyard and Venice walking into the Indian Ocean, Nantucket Sound and the Adriatic Sea respectively. All her neighbours stated, ‘She always said she could die happily here.’ The investigating officers in all four countries found the same Oracle cards face-up on the writing desks in her homes: Aphrodite, Kuan Yin and Sulis. On further interrogation, they found that she was born in Aquarius, under a Capricorn moon. They agreed that the circumstances of her death were not suspicious.
She was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature posthumously, after they changed the rules again to accommodate her lack of breath, and for being the first person to communicate an entire body of merit-worthy work with the committee through pure thought, while in her last moments of carousing with the fishes.
She is survived by four unpacked suitcases, three cats who adopted her against her will, two lovers who will meet each other for the first time at her funeral and one broken blender.
The shadows miss her.
Our Self-Written Obituaries invites people to write their obituary in 200 words. The idea is to share with the world how you will like to be remembered after you are gone. (May you live a long life, of course!) Please mail me your self-obit at email@example.com.