As part of The Delhi Walla series asking citizens to “write down everything you did in one day.” Send yours in 400 words max to thedelhiwallasoofi@gmail.com

[Photo by Aditya Ahuja]

[By Arpita Chowdhury, a writer, poet, journalist in Delhi.]

“The lover’s fatal identity is precisely this: ‘I am the one who waits.’” ― Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments.

Yes! I am the person who waits…but not for someone people might presume. I wake up; I wait for calmness, which might never come. My body works like a robot when it comes to doing the mundane activities that make you a ‘good girl.’ It’s called following a routine. Is it the right thing to do? Who knows? For me, it is just an addition to the chaos of my mind. The wait continues.

A large mug of chai makes me really happy, so I have that first. Then, I pick up the newspaper and read it cover to cover. Well, that’s again a routine. Afterward, I end up scrolling through social media — maybe a time-waste, but it helps sometimes. I get a lot of ideas. I saw a post that said, ‘maybe you are living the time that you once dreamt of.’ A rush of dopamine runs through my body, and I feel happy for a while, but only for a while.

I am more of a ‘stay-in’ person. Unless I have to go to my office, which is where you’ll mostly find me, I like to sleep at home and have my chai all day long. Most importantly, I wait. No matter how painful…but I wait.

“Stand in the sun,” says my mother. I go and stand. Delhi’s sunshine feels different. I do feel happy and warm, but the question of what’s next eats up most of that happiness.

I always need some work to do. Sitting idle is not my cup of tea. So, I take my blanket and laptop, sit in an almost sleeping position, and I start writing.

I watched a movie recently that moved me, so I write about it and send it to various places for it to get published. Then I wait. The wait always continues.

Oh yes!! I washed up my hair too. So, I wait for it to dry until it reaches a point where I can tie it up with a clutcher. Then I sit and think…I think about things. From world affairs to random love songs of which I only remember the first four words. Then, someone sent a text message saying, “You’re too young; try to enjoy your life.” I agree! But then a reel pops up on my phone, where this famous stand-up comedian and writer Zakir Khan says, and I translate, “When you keep leaving what you like and keep doing what is right, then understand that you have grown up, and childhood has died.” And I can’t agree more.

I eat dinner and go back to sleep looking forward to another day of waiting.