Mission Delhi – Dr Shivani Rawat Adhikari, Noida
One of the one percent in 13 million.
[Text and photo by Mayank Austen Soofi]
She’s always been a writer, maintaining a private diary. But after losing her husband to Covid about a month ago, Dr Shivani Rawat Adhikari, 37, took up her writing in a more urgent way. “It essentially became a series of letters to my husband… I had so many things in my head… so much to tell him,” she says, at her home in Noida. She is a dentist, and so was Dr Gautam Adhikari, her husband. They were married for 10 years, and have a son who is in third grade.
Dr Adhikari agreed to share excerpts from her journal.
It has been 15 days since you passed away. Since then I often question myself. Was I not enough for you to share your pain with? Why did you not share it then! Now I am filled with immense grief, the grief of losing a partner, a friend whom I was meant to share my life with, till we would age and all our teeth would fall off. But can we possibly fix a plan for life? Finalise the course of it in advance? All I have are questions that will mess up my mind for a lifetime. Every night I rest my head praying for you to come visiting me in my dreams and tell me about everything that was left untold.
My dreams are scant, but my sleep is uneasy and disturbed, as though some deep dreams are looming in me! My life with you was such a myriad of emotions. It occurs to me now that we would often push the boundaries for each other, so as to learn and feel a little bit more. Friends and family check up on me every now and then, hoping to hear a voice a little stronger… but I don’t think they can hear that yet!
Most days are now alike, old ruins making way for newer debris. It all appears to be in shambles, and it’s scary… for the future that lies ahead, and for the people that remain! But with each of us fighting their own losses, all we can do is gather the shambles and veil them in cling film so that no flaws no pain show.
Of all the things I miss, I miss you the most.
[This is the 407th portrait of Mission Delhi project]